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Making Living Amends in 12 Step Recovery

It might be that the person you need to make amends with has passed away, or you don’t know how to contact them. Or perhaps you do know how to contact them, but you’re not sure if it would be helpful or safe to meet. But, by facing reality and the long-term impact of your actions, and making amends to those you’ve hurt, you’re able to make peace with the past and put it behind you and move forward. If you’re on the fence about Step 9, remember that making amends can help you and the other person. On the opposite side of the street are those individuals who simply say, “All of my amends would hurt people.

In particular, he discusses how to heal when the person we need to make amends with is no longer living. Living amends refers to making promises to the people in your life whom you’ve wronged or who have hurt you. These promises focus on rebuilding your relationship with a loved one and moving forward from the pain of the past. While not everyone you wronged will be open to listening to your amends, you must still make an effort. Therefore, it is crucial to acknowledge how your actions and behaviors impacted those around you.

Make Amends

Somehow in all this guilt writing, we have never talked about making amends with someone who died. We are seeking accountability for our own actions and holding ourselves to the standards of our own values and our 12 Step program. Calls to numbers on a specific treatment center listing will be routed to that treatment center. Calls to any general helpline (non-facility specific 1-8XX numbers) could be forwarded to SAMHSA or a verified treatment provider.

At this time, you can offer whatever restitution you have deemed appropriate. If you are behind on child support payments, for example, you can give the other person a payment (rather than just having the conversation about missing payments). Making amends is more than just saying “I’m sorry.” It’s going the extra mile to make things right. By making amends, you are clearly demonstrating the difference between how you acted before and how you will behave from now on. Apologies don’t address the undercurrents of our choices in addiction, nor do they illustrate our intentions for the future. It would be nice if the above outcomes were universal—but they aren’t (of course).

What If My Attempt to Make Things Right Goes Wrong and Things Get Worse?

They may choose to make living amends by promising to change their ways and become more helpful to others. And then, when we have acknowledged the harm we have done, we offer living amends to do what we can to make repairs and listen carefully. But what do you do when a face-to-face amends meeting is not possible, or when it may cause more harm than good?

• ” most psychologists agree that learning to apologize with genuine grace is something everyone should know.
• You will need to demonstrate that you are committed to rebuilding trust and repairing your relationship with them.
• However, it does not let the person know you have changed your behaviors.
• Therefore, it is crucial to acknowledge how your actions and behaviors impacted those around you.
• I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me, but if not, I understand.

At Eudaimonia Recovery Homes, we provide personalized recovery support with comfortable sober living Austin, Houston, and Colorado Springs. Making living amends can take on many different forms depending on the relationship to those affected by the wrongdoing. In most cases, the offender owes apologies to the people closest to them, like their friends, parents, and children. For me, making amends often involves praying for the humility and courage to let go of my defenses and to live from a more honest and vulnerable place. My defensive response had left her feeling pushed away and hurt. I made amends by calling her back and acknowledging that I had been defensive and that my defensiveness had been hurtful to her.

What Do You Say When Making Amends? – The Step 9 Amends Letter

One conversation might not be enough to repair the damage. You may need to attend family therapy sessions together over time to fully patch up those strained relationships. What is most important is that you start the process of forgiveness — of you forgiving yourself and of your loved ones forgiving you. Making amends is important, no matter if a person is going through AA or not.